I swear this post will be about writing (and venting) and not about my unconditional love for the Brady Bunch.
Over the weekend, I finally got to speak to the woman who I had considered a best friend before she up and blocked me on Facebook for what I thought was no reason at all. At the time this happened, she was an employee and I was her supervisor (before I quit). We hadn’t spoken for two months, during which I attempted to reach out to her just to be ignored.
This weekend we happened to run into each other at my former place of business and I asked if we could talk. She said yes. Apparently, I’ve changed. I am not the same person I was a few years ago—which she blames on testosterone. When I asked her why she thinks that, her response was for the following reasons: I hang around with new people, my writing has changed to more violence, I’m not there for her, we don’t talk.
This list was how she mentioned it… as you see, the important ones as being part of the friendship were at the end. And again, I asked her if she truly believes all of that is caused by testosterone and she said yes.
First, I will say this… anyone who doesn’t change, doesn’t grow. And if you are not growing as an individual, there’s something wrong. Yes. I have changed because I am growing as a person, as a writer, and as a human. Period. This has nothing to do with testosterone, but has to do with living.
I’ll address the issues at hand: Hanging around with new people? This is an online issue because the only person in my physical circle of friends is my wife and Michelle. Interesting fact, my so-called best friend was not someone I hung out with in person but as in we confided in each other over the years at work. She did happen to be one of the few people at my wedding. But what she is talking about is online “friends.” And yes those people have changed. My online friend are writers. They are people I share a common bond with and network with. That is what you do. Two years ago when I got into writing professionally, I socialized with a group of romance writers (traditional, not Sapphic). When I learned about the Sapphic community, I joined their groups and slowly moved away from people who didn’t align with my genre (lesbian fiction). Again, this is growing.
In May 2023, I wrote my first horror book. I had taken a writing class on how to write horror because I wanted to break into something new and this sounded fun. Horror isn’t something new to me. I’ve read Stephen King. I’ve watched horror movies my entire life, starting in 1979 with Friday The 13th (I was 8). So my love for horror wasn’t anything new and wasn’t caused by testosterone. When I wrote my book, I was proud of it. My “Best friend” used to be my Alpha-reader, but she stopped having time for my books long before I wrote horror, which she told me she would not read which is fine. But again, I found a genre that I thought I was good at and wanted to pursue it. This isn’t testosterone talking, this is growth as an author.
As I friended more people in the horror community, I found myself not really meshing with my Sapphic writer friends. While we all got along and I love them, we just were growing as authors in different directions. This is what we are supposed to do, not only me but also everyone in the group. Many members of the group had left, moved on, found other circles, or life got in the way. This is LIFE…
I continued on with horror, while still releasing other genres. And from networking in the horror community, I met another crowd of people who were a little on the extreme side. From that group, I met others with a different mindset and avenues in publishing. All of these changes are not because of testosterone, but for the building of my craft.
This goes hand-in-hand with my writing changing and becoming more violent. When I started writing in 2008, I began an in depth investigation in the BDSM scene. I learned, and still continue to learn, all that I can because I am fascinated with this. Before testosterone (which started in 2023), mind you. While studying this, I learned about Marquis DeSade. All of this was before I even met the “best friend” so again, this isn’t anything new in my life. From reading him, I always had the mission in life to write something some vile that it goes down in history as a legend, like DeSade and his The 120 Days of Sodom. Again, I’ve wanted this longer than I had been friends with the person in question, as well as taking testosterone.
With my writing, I am progressively getting darker as I become more comfortable with the horror genre and how far I can push the boundaries with my current readership. It is a growth and a process. I didn’t one day take a shot of testosterone and say, oh… I have a man brain now, and I like violence. I asked my wife if she thought that my writing had changed since starting testosterone, she said yes but it wasn’t the reason. The reason my writing has changed is because of research, guidance from editors, guidance from other authors, reading books, etc… Honestly, I believe that if testosterone has done anything with my writing is that it’s hindering my ability to do so but again, there are other factors involved.
As for her other concerns, which include not being there for her or not talking… We equate that to a two month span where she had some troubled times with death in the family on multiple occasions (though she says it started earlier than this). In all fairness, when an employee of mine has a death in the family and needs to take off work, I am required to cover for them. With my work… over the last year, the company I worked for hired a plethora of new employees which were all my responsibility to train. They were exceptionally difficult, which took 99% of my time, on top of my regular already taxed work load. I was pulling in more 6-7 day work weeks than I ever had, and add new employees… I didn’t have the same amount of free time I once had. When my friend had her family emergencies, they were at holiday times. Add having to cover for her, on top of all of the above, I didn’t have time to “be there for her” nor for myself. Essentially, I have not written anything since November.
The main reason I quit my job was because of the workload. I had been so drained for so long that I was on breakdown mode. She can say that I wasn’t there for her, but when I am having my own mental breakdowns… I didn’t have anyone I could turn to either. It’s a two-way street. On the day I was going to tell her about my departure from the company (before telling the boss), she blocked me on Facebook for not being a good friend.
Change is a good thing. Change helps our stress levels, anxieties, creativity, passions, and just our well-being. I embrace change because I want to grow… as a writer and a human.